All I need to do is breathe. Breathe and clear my mind. Feet planted firmly on the ground? Check. Palms faced up, on my lap? Check. Great! Now, take a deep breath in and slowly exhale. Okay, you are doing it, Jayla. Just keep it up. Wait, you’re thinking, stop thinking. But still, good job girl! Internal high five. Okay, okay, I am focusing on my breath.
What is my purpose? What am I supposed to do here on this earth? I feel aimless and perpetually unhappy. Everyone asks me what my passion is and I have no idea. “Find your passion,” they say, “it will guide you.” When are you supposed to know? When does it just click? So many people seem to have their lives together and here I am, stuck. I know I cannot count on the images they share, but the stories they tell are so thrilling and exciting. I thought I was doing everything I could, but it does not feel like enough. I try and I try and things fall apart. The ashes of my dreams blown away in the wind. I feel like a ghost, unseen and cold. That is exactly what I am, a living ghost; evanescent yet stagnant at the same time. I just want to live and know what I am living for. I just want to have a purpose and be seen.
And a deep breath in, exhale. “This is not working, I am going to get something to eat.”
Day one of mindfulness, not a success. I’ll try again tomorrow.
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