Knock, knock

Is it still Monday? I was hoping to sleep until Wednesday. My room only lit by the screen saver of my laptop or the occasional update of my phone. Why I am awake? I set the agenda perfectly; I have both a comforter and a soft throw blanket.

“What are you still doing in bed? We are supposed to be at your grandparents’ house by 6:00!”

Damn it! I was hoping to miss it; this would be the year my family forgets about me and leaves me home. Wishful thinking, of course. Every year it’s the same thing, we make the trek to my grandparents’ house, I find my seat in the corner, by the food, and wait for the end. The drinks start flowing and around 10:30 someone has either embarrassed themselves or summoned up the courage to call someone else out before the year’s end. We all just saw each other at Christmas, why so soon?

“Hello?”

“Hi, mom! Yes, I hear you, but, and hear me out, what if we don’t go?”

“Why do you always get like this? Why don’t you wear that dress I bought you? The sparkly blue one.”

Great suggestion, not! Can someone please tell who made sequins and glitter the official uniform of New Years? I will keep that in the back of the closet, it’s warm, it’ll like it.

“Because. I. Don’t. Want. To. Go? Let’s drink wine by the fireplace and watch the Twilight Zone marathon instead.”

“Oh stop it! You can suck it up for a few hours.”

That’s a big ask.

“Besides, you only have one family, don’t be like that. Now get up we have to go.”

Begrudgingly, as always, I arise from the bed. It misses me already, I can tell.

I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go! I can’t be the only one that feels this way. It’s a good excuse for a party, sure, but I don’t like parties. New Year’s resolutions, “New Year, New Me”, it’s the same shit, different day. The clock doesn’t reset, nothing changes. People still suck, the loneliness doesn’t disappear, and you’re still as lost as ever. If you weren’t good enough this year, what makes you think you’re good enough next year? I just want to scream! I just want someone to acknowledge that there’s no magic at midnight. I just–

buzz, buzz

I know you're not looking forward to this evening, chin up! Let's meet up later.

Phone to my chest. A midnight kiss wouldn’t be so bad. I won’t have that either.