I was inspired by Fiona’s beautifully written letter, Sincerely, Your Friend with Social Anxiety

My love,

First, I want to thank you for being so patient and so kind. They say patience is a virtue, but, few people are able to experience what a gift that is; I have year after year. There are parts of me that are not easy to deal with. I wouldn’t blame you for walking away, but you stay. You stay, even when my mind searches in the darkest corners, unearthing thoughts that build an invisible fence around my spirit. There are days where this fence seems impenetrable, but your tenacity chips away at it, one piece at a time.

It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s everyone and everything else. There are so many things out of our control, I’m sorry you’re in the cross-hairs. I’m sorry that I feel the need to figure it all out and I shut down when I can’t. I honestly know that I won’t know everything and that adds to the fear, but I know there are people like you in my corner and that helps me stay grounded, even though I don’t always show it.

I appreciate you, my love. I appreciate that you allow your texts to go unanswered for weeks at a time. I appreciate you giving me space when I feel the walls are closing in on me. I appreciate you forcing your way into my mind when I have been quiet for too long. And I appreciate your reassuring hand when my thoughts tell me to push you away and my actions carry out this order accordingly.

I am sorry if this wasn’t what you were expecting, you don’t have to be stuck with me. I can hear you say stop apologizing as I write this, some habits are hard to break. I know realistically, you’re not anywhere you don’t want to be. That thought alone fills me with joy and, simultaneously, with dread. Why would anyone, knowingly, want to be a part of this?

Love. That’s why.

Please don’t change and I will try, though I can’t make any promises.

With love,

Me (and my Anxiety)