Oh, how I have genuinely missed you. I can always feel your presence in this space; it is welcomed and magical. I hope that you’re doing well and have created opportunities to celebrate joy while surviving each day. And, I hope you still know that you being in this world is enough, and you are shrouded in compassion and gentleness.
It has been a while since I have written a post; I think about doing so every day. This blog has always been a safe space for me to reflect, create, and untangle some of the messiness in life, waiting for me when I felt compelled to do so. I truly did not anticipate you all being a part of this journey and touching me as deeply as you have. I started Muted Mouthful three years ago; that fact alone is incredible to me. I have grown so much; the evidence is all right here. This blog has become a living testament to me, something I can, and do, look back on, reflecting on the one inevitable thing in life, change.
At the time, I did not know writing my innermost thoughts was me revealing the blueprint I wanted for my life. There was a disconnect between what I felt in my gut and what I thought I should be feeling, hence the daily cringing. I am working every day to combat the inner turmoil created out of generational trauma and systemic oppression. I thought how I observed the world was weird and my expectations from it were too much, but it turns out I was conditioned to think that way. A lot of us were. My instincts were right all along. The patterns I see, the questions I have, the feelings I feel, the words I speak, they are all gifts. I make so many mental connections each day it’s overwhelming! But the most important thing to connect to was me. And there’s no turning back.
In April 2021, I made a drastic decision and quit my job. I had a position that I excelled at, was secure for the most part, and had reasonable pay. I was thoroughly unhappy, chronically stressed, and realized I was in another pattern; overworking myself, ignoring my values and beliefs, leading others to success, convincing myself to be grateful, and burning out. In every job I have held, I thought working hard and being helpful was the key to balance, success, and appreciation. I would end up in the same cycle. I’ve been called invaluable, an asset, future CEO, irreplaceable, and a host of other compliments, all while actively being exploited, dismissed, overlooked, underpaid, and undervalued. I was tired of using all my physical, emotional, and intellectual property to benefit employers who did not see me as a person. I needed to break the cycle. So I did.
It has been a little over two months since I left my job. I did not have another position lined up, and I still don’t. I am a planner; I am very anxious; I think about the future constantly. And yet, I am finding myself treading new waters, being in the moment, and believing I will be fine. I have been working since the age of 14, sometimes holding 2-3 jobs at a time. That’s not okay for anyone. Being unemployed by choice feels so surreal. It feels counterintuitive enough that actually enjoying the fruits of my years of labor feels like a privilege. However, I can’t shake the feeling that my ancestors are rejoicing at the fact that I have chosen myself. I have been working twice as hard to only to be perceived half as good all my life. Taking a moment to myself, reflecting, to feel, to be intentional, to be grounded, is an act of self-care and societal rebellion I did not see myself enacting. I feel uncomfortable, I feel powerful, I feel fearful, I feel confident, and I am embracing it all.
So what does this mean for me now? Well, that’s a good question! I am still trying to figure it out. This short period has allowed for deep reflection, meaningful conversations, and dreaming of new possibilities. I find inspiration in small things. I speak kindly to myself. I learn new, interesting facts. I dance every day because it feels good, and I have a flurry of feelings inside me I don’t have the words to express yet. I feel happy. For this brief moment, my only job is to keep feeling happy.
However, you know I can’t say still for too long! My mind is always thinking of creative projects, seeking ways I can combine my skills and interests. Redefining and reframing concepts and theories has helped my growth, but that’s not easy for everyone. I am finding myself leaning into the desire to create tools for others so they too may see themselves as they always should have: worthy, attuned, phenomenal, spectacular, and more than enough. I want to encourage and influence changes in thought patterns, revealing that being in flux is part of the human experience. And, there are infinite possibilities to change the “reality” we individually understand.
Whew, that’s the first time I concisely stated my desires for the work I wish to pursue!
I have a couple of works in progress which include a book manuscript and a podcast. My simple goal is to be an affirming source and voice. I am trying to give perfectionism and imposter syndrome the elbow drop. I believe that I can accomplish anything and what is on my heart and mind are meaningful (at least that’s what I keep telling myself).
I turn 30 in a few weeks, making these declarations and choices feel like the perfect, long-lasting gift to me. I own my power, my emotions, and my fears. It’s not up to anyone else. It is something I will have to keep reminding myself. But it’s important to me that you know I don’t truly believe in tying yourself to age milestones. You can find yourself, reinvent yourself, or stay true to yourself at any age. You can break out of boxes, tear down walls, build walls up, try new things, make life-changing decisions, and rest, at any point in your life. Will it be easy? NO WAY! But it is possible. We cannot lose sight of all that is possible due to temporary discomfort or someone else’s limited imagination. We can always create.
If you have found value in my blog at any point, now would be a great time to support me. I have always felt weird about asking for monetary support since this space has always been for me first and any attention gained was a bonus. However, we’re on a collective journey. When we see others loving, examining, and sharing themselves, it sends a signal: I can do that too, I am not alone, and we are here.
Thank you for reading and for your ongoing presence and support. I’d love to hear about any new reflections or changes in your life!
Categories: Introvert Life